i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
