my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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