there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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