he told me I talked like a deaf person
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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