I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
