I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Barsexuality is the new black.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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