fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
