Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
