she was so not down for the gang bang
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
