We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
