Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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