Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
