Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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