you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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