Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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