He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
