Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
