guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
