dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
