I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
