Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
