she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
