toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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