Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
