I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Someone signed my nipple.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
