Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
