You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
