I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
