Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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