I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
