i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
