and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
