Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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