My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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