Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
