In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
