I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
