We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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