The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
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