i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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