I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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