Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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