If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
