Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
