i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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