So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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