Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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