I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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