i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
