Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
