I wanna bring you to show and tell
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
