new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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