Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
