The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
