and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
